I had this whole other post planned, but I decided to go this route:
Today, at church, we were reminded how to speak and act appropriately. And while I get it--I get why we do things like this--I left with the feeling that maybe people would be more...
I don't know...
excited to come to church if it didn't seem like someone was always telling you what you should or shouldn't say or how many people you should or shouldn't have at your special religious events. Maybe it would be easier to come if you didn't feel like everyone was judging you. But most importantly, maybe you'd feel a little more excited about coming if it didn't just seem like such an eternal trudge to the next life.
Like I said, I get it. This isn't a complaint against the powers that be that decide these kinds of things. It's just a thought. My thoughts being that heaven forbid if I stand up and tell you all how I feel about Christ lest I say something that doesn't follow the "guidelines".
Sometimes, I wonder if in our quest to make tangible guidelines that pinpoint exactly what should or shouldn't happen, we forget the important parts. Like, how church is suppose to lead us closer to the Savior and how we should want to come and not leave feeling like we're less worthy than anyone else. We should be excited about each other and our accomplishments. We should celebrate big milestones and events. We should feel comfortable expressing thoughts close to our hearts without feeling like we are breaking rules.
I get it. I get why there are even guidelines. People like to toe the line. Some people don't understand that you can't have 50 people blessing a baby. But, those guidelines that are handed down are relatively broad. And some people are okay with broad. But, some people have to quantify everything. They have to make it fit into a little box and in the process, they forget that not everything has to--or should, even--fit into that little box. Maybe they are general for a reason.
I know. It's me. It's my attitude. It's because I feel like I'm trudging through life spiritually, always afraid that when I die, God is going to be like "you stood up and said this at church and I clearly told you that you had to have one of these five things in there, and you didn't really have any of that, so there's no room for you here."
Except for I KNOW that won't be the case. I know that when I die, I'll realize that so much focus was put on the details and not enough focus was put on the big picture. I would do better to remember that when I'm sitting in church and getting lectured on these things that matter to everyone else.
But I didn't really have any plans on standing up and saying anything ever again after today's lecture. I mean, I don't want to be the person that everyone blames when we have a revisit of this topic. I'm pretty sure my reluctance to share my feelings isn't part of the big picture God had planned either.
Sometimes, I look at other people in other faiths and think "they look like they get it." Maybe their beliefs aren't necessarily what I believe, but it seems that they seem to be saying "This is who I am. I might not be perfect, but I'm doing my best. And in the end, God will understand and He'll welcome me with open arms because I welcomed Him with open arms." And everyone else around will nod their heads and say "me too." instead of "you need to be better. You need to do this and this and this and this to prove that you're doing your best. And guess what, we keep telling you that your best is good enough, but then we keep telling you that you're not doing your best."
And so it's going to be my philosophy from now on to say "Hey, listen. I'm doing my best here. I'm giving it my all. And in the end, will it really matter if my kid stood up and repeated the same words we've heard from every other kid for eons of time, because we all have to start somewhere, right?"
I know, to some, this will seem like a complaint of the church I've chosen to belong to. And it's not. Not at least to the fundamental teachings that make it the church I've chosen. I realize that things are open to interpretation, and part of being faithful is believing that the interpretations you've been given are the best ones to follow. Nowhere does it say that I have to blindly follow without any questioning. I firmly believe I can still be faithful in following and still have my reservations.
So there. There's my Sunday Thoughts. Pretty deep for having taken the last two weeks off, right? I'm back on track this week. New recipe and everything. Maybe even a few laughs. It's been so...tense...around here.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Big Unveiling
So, we were kinda busy this Christmas season.
With what, you might ask?
Well, for starters, Wade went a little Griswaldy on the house. He put up strands and strands of lights. It really did look pretty neat, and we got them up Thanksgiving weekend. That has been the earliest we've ever gotten them up. But it was a blessing in disguise because had we waited any longer, they wouldn't have gotten up at all due to the misfortune that December became.
Speaking of which, we just received our ER bill.
HOLY FREAKIN' COW!!!
But that's for another day.
What else did we do?
Wade took two weeks off (there's a story there. A funny story about how Wade saved all his vacation up, but I'm still too pissed to talk about it). And in that two weeks he built me this:
Yep. A kitchen island.
The man is amazing. He just used stock cabinets from Lowes. Screwed them together. Mounted everything to the floor. Painted it. It looks incredible. The pictures don't do it justice. I have no idea how I've lived this long without an island.
What's that?
Oh. Right. Granite countertops. Yeah, we did those too. Back in November. There were a few hiccups with them, but now I love them too. There's another post in the workings about those too. I'll get there. Patience.
The next task on our list is to do something with the cabinets. We have a pretty good idea of what we want to do, but we need warmer weather. I'm really excited for the updated kitchen and can't wait for it all to be done.
What else is going on? Oh man. If you knew. But that revelation will have to wait.
With what, you might ask?
Well, for starters, Wade went a little Griswaldy on the house. He put up strands and strands of lights. It really did look pretty neat, and we got them up Thanksgiving weekend. That has been the earliest we've ever gotten them up. But it was a blessing in disguise because had we waited any longer, they wouldn't have gotten up at all due to the misfortune that December became.
Speaking of which, we just received our ER bill.
HOLY FREAKIN' COW!!!
But that's for another day.
What else did we do?
Wade took two weeks off (there's a story there. A funny story about how Wade saved all his vacation up, but I'm still too pissed to talk about it). And in that two weeks he built me this:
Yep. A kitchen island.
The man is amazing. He just used stock cabinets from Lowes. Screwed them together. Mounted everything to the floor. Painted it. It looks incredible. The pictures don't do it justice. I have no idea how I've lived this long without an island.
What's that?
Oh. Right. Granite countertops. Yeah, we did those too. Back in November. There were a few hiccups with them, but now I love them too. There's another post in the workings about those too. I'll get there. Patience.
The next task on our list is to do something with the cabinets. We have a pretty good idea of what we want to do, but we need warmer weather. I'm really excited for the updated kitchen and can't wait for it all to be done.
What else is going on? Oh man. If you knew. But that revelation will have to wait.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
What's for Dinner Wednesday--Penne Sardi
Yay for new recipes!
I asked Wade what he'd want for New Year's Eve dinner if he could have anything. He immediately said Penne Pasta Sardi from Biaggi's, an Italian restaurant found at the Gateway.
I googled it--yay for the internet--and luckily, someone had done all the dirty work for me.
http://www.whitewaxflower.com/2011/05/biaggis-penne-sardi-copycat-recipe.html
One day, I aspire to be one of those people that can take a taste of a dish at a restaurant and then go home and recreate it. Until then, I'm glad that there are people out there that can do it.
So, if you want pretty pictures, head over there. Otherwise, I'll tell you what I did here.
First, I had to make the bread crumb topping. I took 3 pieces of bread and broke them up into pieces. Then I put it into the blender and blended it until it was only crumbs, but not superfine, because they'll only burn.
Next, I had to brown the bread crumbs. I added garlic, garlic powder, oregano, parsley flakes, onion salt and onion powder in with the bread crumbs. I didn't measure out the amounts, just shook the bottles and tasted the crumbs until I thought they tasted good.
I spread the bread crumbs in an 8 x 8 pan and put them in the oven set at 200 degrees. The recipe said to stir them every three minutes for about 10 minutes and they'd be done, but after 15 minutes, I had to turn on the broil for just a few minutes to get them toasty enough.
The next step took the most time, but probably made the dish. Melt 3 Tablespoons of butter in a pan on the stove.Take a medium onion and cut it into thin slices. Add about a cup of mushrooms and add the onions and mushrooms to the pan. Salt and stir. Salt some more and stir again. Keep cooking over VERY low heat until the onions go from being stiff and white to clear and flimsy to brown and syrupy. This process takes about 45 minutes so don't fret when it doesn't happen right way.
Next step is the sauce.
2 1/2 C heavy cream or half and half (I went all out and used heavy cream)
1 C butter (yep. That's right.)
1 1/4 C mozzarella cheese
5 T grated parmesan cheese
1 C sun-dried tomatoes
salt and pepper to taste
Melt the butter and cream together in a large sauce pan, and bring almost to a boil but not quite. Stir in the cheeses until they're melted followed by the tomatoes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.
*a sidenote about the tomatoes. The only sun-dried tomatoes I could find were found in the canned tomato aisle packed in oil. They were tomato halves. I just threw them in. I would suggest washing the tomatoes and then chopping them up into more bite-happy pieces.
Cook a bag of penne pasta according to the package directions. Drain the pasta and put it into a bowl. Add the sauce and the carmelized onions and mushrooms and another 1/2 cup of mozzarella and stir it up. Put it in a baking dish, top it with more mozzarella cheese and layer the top with the bread crumbs.\
Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes, checking occasionally to make sure the bread crumbs aren't burning.
*Another sidenote: I also added grilled chicken to the pasta. I just grilled some chicken and cut it up into bite-size pieces and added it with the sauce and onion/mushroom mixture.
I got rave reviews on this dish from both Wade and our friends we had over for NYE. It really wasn't that hard to create either, as long as you leave enough time to not rush the onions and mushrooms. Maybe not the healthiest dish, but for special occasions, it was perfect.
I asked Wade what he'd want for New Year's Eve dinner if he could have anything. He immediately said Penne Pasta Sardi from Biaggi's, an Italian restaurant found at the Gateway.
I googled it--yay for the internet--and luckily, someone had done all the dirty work for me.
http://www.whitewaxflower.com/2011/05/biaggis-penne-sardi-copycat-recipe.html
One day, I aspire to be one of those people that can take a taste of a dish at a restaurant and then go home and recreate it. Until then, I'm glad that there are people out there that can do it.
So, if you want pretty pictures, head over there. Otherwise, I'll tell you what I did here.
First, I had to make the bread crumb topping. I took 3 pieces of bread and broke them up into pieces. Then I put it into the blender and blended it until it was only crumbs, but not superfine, because they'll only burn.
Next, I had to brown the bread crumbs. I added garlic, garlic powder, oregano, parsley flakes, onion salt and onion powder in with the bread crumbs. I didn't measure out the amounts, just shook the bottles and tasted the crumbs until I thought they tasted good.
I spread the bread crumbs in an 8 x 8 pan and put them in the oven set at 200 degrees. The recipe said to stir them every three minutes for about 10 minutes and they'd be done, but after 15 minutes, I had to turn on the broil for just a few minutes to get them toasty enough.
The next step took the most time, but probably made the dish. Melt 3 Tablespoons of butter in a pan on the stove.Take a medium onion and cut it into thin slices. Add about a cup of mushrooms and add the onions and mushrooms to the pan. Salt and stir. Salt some more and stir again. Keep cooking over VERY low heat until the onions go from being stiff and white to clear and flimsy to brown and syrupy. This process takes about 45 minutes so don't fret when it doesn't happen right way.
Next step is the sauce.
2 1/2 C heavy cream or half and half (I went all out and used heavy cream)
1 C butter (yep. That's right.)
1 1/4 C mozzarella cheese
5 T grated parmesan cheese
1 C sun-dried tomatoes
salt and pepper to taste
Melt the butter and cream together in a large sauce pan, and bring almost to a boil but not quite. Stir in the cheeses until they're melted followed by the tomatoes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.
*a sidenote about the tomatoes. The only sun-dried tomatoes I could find were found in the canned tomato aisle packed in oil. They were tomato halves. I just threw them in. I would suggest washing the tomatoes and then chopping them up into more bite-happy pieces.
Cook a bag of penne pasta according to the package directions. Drain the pasta and put it into a bowl. Add the sauce and the carmelized onions and mushrooms and another 1/2 cup of mozzarella and stir it up. Put it in a baking dish, top it with more mozzarella cheese and layer the top with the bread crumbs.\
Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes, checking occasionally to make sure the bread crumbs aren't burning.
*Another sidenote: I also added grilled chicken to the pasta. I just grilled some chicken and cut it up into bite-size pieces and added it with the sauce and onion/mushroom mixture.
I got rave reviews on this dish from both Wade and our friends we had over for NYE. It really wasn't that hard to create either, as long as you leave enough time to not rush the onions and mushrooms. Maybe not the healthiest dish, but for special occasions, it was perfect.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Life Happens
Saturday, it snowed.
Which is good for the whole water sense, but not for my Saturday morning run. Which turned into a leisurely walk.
Then, later on during the morning, I noticed that it was really cold inside the house. Turns out the furnace wasn't working.
I spent the early afternoon cleaning out the deep freezer that had so much ice it needed to be defrosted because apparently, it was staying open all the time. This project then turned into cleaning out the whole storage room, but now we can actually get to the stuff we need to.
When I went upstairs, I happened to glance inside the kids' bathroom and noticed that the floor was wet. Turns out the toilet was leaking.
Luckily, Wade was able to fix the furnace and the toilet stopped leaking, so that was nice. The freezer got defrosted, cleaned and the food all put back in before it melted--thanks to the snow that was insulating the coolers used to house said food outside in the backyard.
We decided to reward ourselves by getting a babysitter and cashing in a gift certificate to Iceberg for some shakes and fries. But first we had to stop by Cabela's and buy winter boots for Wade using a gift card he had gotten from work.
In the end, we didn't have enough time to stay at Iceberg, and ended up getting our shakes and fries to go. They weren't nearly as tasty as I thought they wouldd have been.
I still had to go grocery shopping and make two posters for church the next morning, and so after dropping the babysitter I did just that.
I crawled into bed at about 11:30 and the power went out. I was cold to begin with, and I started getting colder, but eventually I fell asleep until about 3:30.
So I ask you, what are the chances that something would happen to the freezer, the furnace, the toilet, the power would go out AND I would end up with a stomach bug all on the same day?!?
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Beginning of the End
Right, right, right. It's the new year. Yay. So let's just forget that last year I only wrote 96 blog posts (and some of those were picture posts, so had no writing whatsoever) and concentrate on my goal of 3 posts a week = 156.
Or you know, 2 1/2 posts a week.
Whatever.
But, I do want to resurrect my What's For Dinner Wednesday posts. So that will definitely be here. Other than that one weekly thing, I have nothing else. Just more of the same, I guess.
Speaking of more of the same, I unearthed my resolution list from last year sometime last week and sadly realized that I only completed one thing from it. And not because it was on the list either. Just because I was in the right place at the right time. Looking over it, I see how ambitious I was at the beginning of 2011. I'm not feeling that same ambition at the beginning of 2012, so let's just see if we can work on one or two of those original 11.
We'll say 2 for 2012. And I'm not even going to pick which ones either. Just look again in December 2012, and hopefully I will have gained some momentum in 2 of those areas. That should suffice, right?
Ah...I'm beginning to feel a little more like myself already.
Sit back. Relax. And hopefully you'll leave with a smile, 2-3 times a week. :)
Happy New Year!
Or you know, 2 1/2 posts a week.
Whatever.
But, I do want to resurrect my What's For Dinner Wednesday posts. So that will definitely be here. Other than that one weekly thing, I have nothing else. Just more of the same, I guess.
Speaking of more of the same, I unearthed my resolution list from last year sometime last week and sadly realized that I only completed one thing from it. And not because it was on the list either. Just because I was in the right place at the right time. Looking over it, I see how ambitious I was at the beginning of 2011. I'm not feeling that same ambition at the beginning of 2012, so let's just see if we can work on one or two of those original 11.
We'll say 2 for 2012. And I'm not even going to pick which ones either. Just look again in December 2012, and hopefully I will have gained some momentum in 2 of those areas. That should suffice, right?
Ah...I'm beginning to feel a little more like myself already.
Sit back. Relax. And hopefully you'll leave with a smile, 2-3 times a week. :)
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Ordeal Declared Over
I've been having some lingering pains from my recent ordeal. I called the doctor's office and they were concerned enough to give me ANOTHER round of medicine over the weekend. After a hellish weekend, I called again to report that not much had changed and they were concerned enough to do another ultrasound.
$$$
But, I've heard horror stories of emergency hysterectomies and deaths and I didn't want either of these fates so I complied.
Cue same ultrasound room and same ultrasound tech, but luckily the news was somewhat better this time. Everything looked normal.
YAY! No surgery three days before Christmas.
When I talked to the nurse I said this:
"Okay, I'm officially declaring this ordeal over. I'm done with it and I'm moving on with my life. Tomorrow, I resume my running routine."
To which she laughed and said "sounds good."
Then I wished her a Happy Holidays and signed off by saying "I hope I don't talk to you for a very long time."
I mean, she was nice and everything but these weren't social calls I was making.
Argh. It's December 20th and this all started on December 1st. I'm happy it's OVER. The lingering pain I can deal with. I was just concerned that it would lead to an infection or something. But now I'm not.
Hello, beautiful New Year.
$$$
But, I've heard horror stories of emergency hysterectomies and deaths and I didn't want either of these fates so I complied.
Cue same ultrasound room and same ultrasound tech, but luckily the news was somewhat better this time. Everything looked normal.
YAY! No surgery three days before Christmas.
When I talked to the nurse I said this:
"Okay, I'm officially declaring this ordeal over. I'm done with it and I'm moving on with my life. Tomorrow, I resume my running routine."
To which she laughed and said "sounds good."
Then I wished her a Happy Holidays and signed off by saying "I hope I don't talk to you for a very long time."
I mean, she was nice and everything but these weren't social calls I was making.
Argh. It's December 20th and this all started on December 1st. I'm happy it's OVER. The lingering pain I can deal with. I was just concerned that it would lead to an infection or something. But now I'm not.
Hello, beautiful New Year.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A Not So Funny, But Very Long, Story
I had been sitting on this news since the end of October. I have a hard time sitting on news, especially exciting news, because I want to tell everyone!
But I was really good. I only told a few people I knew wouldn't tell everyone. Then on Thanksgiving we told our families.
My family was somewhat shocked. Wade's family was not as shocked. But everyone was excited.
I told the people I wanted to know personally and not from a post on FB or in here. Yet I still waited to make it official. I don't know why. Maybe I knew that something was wrong in that way you know something is wrong deep down inside and until it all goes wrong you don't realize you were even thinking something might be wrong.
I was really excited. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
Or, you know, something more my style. Like tell it here.
But I was patient.
And then...
Something went wrong.
Horribly, terribly wrong.
And instead of telling you all that we were having our third baby, I'm telling you all that we lost the baby.
I guess I could've kept that a secret like I kept the pregnancy a secret, but I don't want to. Not anymore, anyways. And I can't seem to conjure up any good stories because I'm so focused on this one story. So here it is.
Well, not all of it because there are really a lot of details you don't want to know. Nor details I want to share.
But, the gist of the story went something like this: we (read: I) decided it was time for baby #3--quite possibly the last baby for our family. We got pregnant quickly and it was going amazingly well.
In fact, so well, that a few times I thought maybe something was wrong. But I didn't dwell on that. My stomach was popping out. I was tired all the time. I was moody beyond belief. The only thing I was missing was the copious amounts of throwing up that had accompanied the other two pregnancies, and I can't say that I was missing it at all.
I really thought that (a) God was blessing me for having the faith to have a third kid, even knowing how sick I get and how stressed out I get and how worried I was that the other two would try to eat it when I was in the shower (b) I was in such amazing shape that maybe I had beaten morning sickness with mind and body control.
More so (a) than (b). But I was grasping for some reason other than something was wrong.
I toyed around with the idea of waiting until after our first doctor appointment to make the annoucement, but I wasn't scheduled to go in until almost 13 weeks and it was wearing on me trying to keep it a secret from everyone and wearing shapeless clothes to hide it. So, when everyone around the Thanksgiving table stood up to tell what they were thankful for, I sorta just threw Baby #3 in the mix. Then, after dinner, we drove to Wade's parents house and told them. Then Wade texted his siblings. It's not nearly as exciting to announce #3 as it was #1, but everyone called and congratulated us.
And through it all I felt really good. I was 11 weeks afterall. There was no inkling of anything being wrong. I was almost out of the first trimester. We had started thinking about names. Everything was going swimmingly well.
Until the next week.
I started experiencing signs of an impending miscarriage. But the internet reassured me that things were probably fine. I mean, I was 12 weeks. I was so close to being out of the first trimester. Out of the danger zone.
I wasn't even going to call the doctor's office, that's how unconcerned I was. They had happened to call me to remind me of my doctor appointment (that was for nearly a week later, weird?) and I happened to mention what was going on and before I knew it I was headed in to get some blood work done. I even tried to talk the nurse out of it all--we have a huge deductible and it was December and we have only used about $700 of it for the year. I didn't want to rack up more money if we were just going to turn around and reach our deductible again the next year when we gave birth.
But eventually, I complied. She called the next morning and told me that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were normal for a 12 week pregnancy but that she was concerned enough to set up an ultrasound.
And honestly, all I saw was this: $$$. But, I shoved it aside and went in anyways.
I can't say that I was all that shocked that they found a fetus that hadn't developed past six weeks. There was no heartbeat. There was definitely no live baby that was 12 weeks along. I was more shocked that I had been carrying around an undeveloping fetus for six weeks. I got the bad news over the phone in the ultrasound area of the hospital from the nurse. She was really compassionate. There are no complaints there. I was a total wreck though and I felt bad for the poor ultrasound tech who had to walk me to the exit. Luckily, Wade was there with me.
The rest of the evening is kind of a blur. I had to make a lot of phone calls unannouncing our pregnancy and then it was a matter of waiting and seeing what would happen over the weekend.
By Monday, I thought the worst of it was behind me. I was feeling really good and I had called the on-call doctor only once the entire weekend. I was quite proud of myself. As it turns out, as much information as there is out there on the internet, there isn't everything and apparently, no one really wants to talk about miscarriages. Besides that, I was the only one I knew who was trying to "go natural" this late in a pregnancy. Everyone else I know who has miscarriaged has done it early (either 5 or 6 weeks) or had a procedure done. I wasn't keen on having the procedure done if not absolutely necessary and so I felt, basically, alone. But the on-call doc reassured me that everything was "normal" and I believed her.
But, like I said, I was feeling really good. However, that all changed on Tuesday. I called the doctor's office. Even the doctor herself called me back. She said everything was normal. By Wednesday, I was doing even worse. They called in some medication that was suppose to help with everything. I kept thinking "how come no one ever talks about THIS part?"
By Thursday, I was sure something was wrong. Of course, it's really hard to convey that over the telephone without sounding like some crazy lunatic and I kept being told that everything was normal. I couldn't find this definition of normal anywhere and finally Thursday evening, I made the decision to go in to the ER.
There will be people that will tell you that if I would have waited longer, everything would have been okay. And there are people that will tell you that if I hadn't gone in when I did, we'd all be singing a different tune right now. I don't know who to believe, really. I'm the only one who knew really what was happening. I was trying to shield Wade and the kids from the horror of it all and so in the end, I went with my gut feeling. I don't regret it even if the whole time all I could see was this: $$$
To make a very gory and traumatic story short, the ER docs did everything short of surgery and after six hours even suggested surgery anyways. I opted to go home instead and hope that they were able to get everything fixed. It was the most horrific, terrifying, and humiliating experience of my life. In all my reading of miscarriage stories and the tales I've heard from friends, no one has relayed this type of experience.
I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a lot better now. I lost a lot of blood and have to take iron supplements for the next month. I tire really easily and I can't do a whole lot yet, which just serves to make me antsy and easily irritable. We're still coming to terms with the emotional aspect of the whole ordeal. I do know that it will take some time to heal from this, both physically and mentally.
Wow. That story was much longer than I thought it would be and I left half of it out. Hopefully, my next entry will be a little more lighthearted. But I do feel immensely better having gotten it out.
But I was really good. I only told a few people I knew wouldn't tell everyone. Then on Thanksgiving we told our families.
My family was somewhat shocked. Wade's family was not as shocked. But everyone was excited.
I told the people I wanted to know personally and not from a post on FB or in here. Yet I still waited to make it official. I don't know why. Maybe I knew that something was wrong in that way you know something is wrong deep down inside and until it all goes wrong you don't realize you were even thinking something might be wrong.
I was really excited. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
Or, you know, something more my style. Like tell it here.
But I was patient.
And then...
Something went wrong.
Horribly, terribly wrong.
And instead of telling you all that we were having our third baby, I'm telling you all that we lost the baby.
I guess I could've kept that a secret like I kept the pregnancy a secret, but I don't want to. Not anymore, anyways. And I can't seem to conjure up any good stories because I'm so focused on this one story. So here it is.
Well, not all of it because there are really a lot of details you don't want to know. Nor details I want to share.
But, the gist of the story went something like this: we (read: I) decided it was time for baby #3--quite possibly the last baby for our family. We got pregnant quickly and it was going amazingly well.
In fact, so well, that a few times I thought maybe something was wrong. But I didn't dwell on that. My stomach was popping out. I was tired all the time. I was moody beyond belief. The only thing I was missing was the copious amounts of throwing up that had accompanied the other two pregnancies, and I can't say that I was missing it at all.
I really thought that (a) God was blessing me for having the faith to have a third kid, even knowing how sick I get and how stressed out I get and how worried I was that the other two would try to eat it when I was in the shower (b) I was in such amazing shape that maybe I had beaten morning sickness with mind and body control.
More so (a) than (b). But I was grasping for some reason other than something was wrong.
I toyed around with the idea of waiting until after our first doctor appointment to make the annoucement, but I wasn't scheduled to go in until almost 13 weeks and it was wearing on me trying to keep it a secret from everyone and wearing shapeless clothes to hide it. So, when everyone around the Thanksgiving table stood up to tell what they were thankful for, I sorta just threw Baby #3 in the mix. Then, after dinner, we drove to Wade's parents house and told them. Then Wade texted his siblings. It's not nearly as exciting to announce #3 as it was #1, but everyone called and congratulated us.
And through it all I felt really good. I was 11 weeks afterall. There was no inkling of anything being wrong. I was almost out of the first trimester. We had started thinking about names. Everything was going swimmingly well.
Until the next week.
I started experiencing signs of an impending miscarriage. But the internet reassured me that things were probably fine. I mean, I was 12 weeks. I was so close to being out of the first trimester. Out of the danger zone.
I wasn't even going to call the doctor's office, that's how unconcerned I was. They had happened to call me to remind me of my doctor appointment (that was for nearly a week later, weird?) and I happened to mention what was going on and before I knew it I was headed in to get some blood work done. I even tried to talk the nurse out of it all--we have a huge deductible and it was December and we have only used about $700 of it for the year. I didn't want to rack up more money if we were just going to turn around and reach our deductible again the next year when we gave birth.
But eventually, I complied. She called the next morning and told me that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were normal for a 12 week pregnancy but that she was concerned enough to set up an ultrasound.
And honestly, all I saw was this: $$$. But, I shoved it aside and went in anyways.
I can't say that I was all that shocked that they found a fetus that hadn't developed past six weeks. There was no heartbeat. There was definitely no live baby that was 12 weeks along. I was more shocked that I had been carrying around an undeveloping fetus for six weeks. I got the bad news over the phone in the ultrasound area of the hospital from the nurse. She was really compassionate. There are no complaints there. I was a total wreck though and I felt bad for the poor ultrasound tech who had to walk me to the exit. Luckily, Wade was there with me.
The rest of the evening is kind of a blur. I had to make a lot of phone calls unannouncing our pregnancy and then it was a matter of waiting and seeing what would happen over the weekend.
By Monday, I thought the worst of it was behind me. I was feeling really good and I had called the on-call doctor only once the entire weekend. I was quite proud of myself. As it turns out, as much information as there is out there on the internet, there isn't everything and apparently, no one really wants to talk about miscarriages. Besides that, I was the only one I knew who was trying to "go natural" this late in a pregnancy. Everyone else I know who has miscarriaged has done it early (either 5 or 6 weeks) or had a procedure done. I wasn't keen on having the procedure done if not absolutely necessary and so I felt, basically, alone. But the on-call doc reassured me that everything was "normal" and I believed her.
But, like I said, I was feeling really good. However, that all changed on Tuesday. I called the doctor's office. Even the doctor herself called me back. She said everything was normal. By Wednesday, I was doing even worse. They called in some medication that was suppose to help with everything. I kept thinking "how come no one ever talks about THIS part?"
By Thursday, I was sure something was wrong. Of course, it's really hard to convey that over the telephone without sounding like some crazy lunatic and I kept being told that everything was normal. I couldn't find this definition of normal anywhere and finally Thursday evening, I made the decision to go in to the ER.
There will be people that will tell you that if I would have waited longer, everything would have been okay. And there are people that will tell you that if I hadn't gone in when I did, we'd all be singing a different tune right now. I don't know who to believe, really. I'm the only one who knew really what was happening. I was trying to shield Wade and the kids from the horror of it all and so in the end, I went with my gut feeling. I don't regret it even if the whole time all I could see was this: $$$
To make a very gory and traumatic story short, the ER docs did everything short of surgery and after six hours even suggested surgery anyways. I opted to go home instead and hope that they were able to get everything fixed. It was the most horrific, terrifying, and humiliating experience of my life. In all my reading of miscarriage stories and the tales I've heard from friends, no one has relayed this type of experience.
I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a lot better now. I lost a lot of blood and have to take iron supplements for the next month. I tire really easily and I can't do a whole lot yet, which just serves to make me antsy and easily irritable. We're still coming to terms with the emotional aspect of the whole ordeal. I do know that it will take some time to heal from this, both physically and mentally.
Wow. That story was much longer than I thought it would be and I left half of it out. Hopefully, my next entry will be a little more lighthearted. But I do feel immensely better having gotten it out.
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